Joe Puryear and Chhewang Nima Sherpa aren't the only that died this week

Complete bummer but I am comforted to know that they passed doing what they love and that they were loved by the climbing community.

This week has been brutal. Been studying non-stop and terribly distracted by house renovations, wedding planning, and the electronic devices that I can't seem to stay away from ...

Also a little part of me died today when I did some thinking about school, the house, the wedding, and this book, "The Lost Dogs: Michael Vick's Dogs and Their Tale of Rescue and Redemption" by Jim Gorant I just finished. I just can't get over what Michael Vick did to those dogs (himself), how he got away with so much, and how 47 of the 51 dogs made it ... twice.

I miss having a dog. I miss being able to take care of Matt and our home. I hate not being able to unpack, garden, work out, or even climb! if I finish the med program, I will be 48 ... beyond the prime to attempt a denali summit. I will miss out on my remaining high-altitude climbing years. 

I will also miss out on a career that took me 20+ years to build. It's not even been 2 years and I really miss engineering... a lot. In fact, I miss it more than I thought I would. I used to make things. I used to innovate things. I used to make things work. I used to make things better than they were. I was very successful, well-established, and had nothing to prove to anyone. In a health provider career, I'd have to start all over again. I haven't been an exceptional student - good enough to get into a med school and struggle along with the rest of them, but I honestly don't think I have the aptitude to compete for coveted residences like ER, Surgical, or Neuro ... after a 7-year investment, I'll most likely end up GP (assuming I pass the boards). This is reality. There are some empirical truths in this world, I am not foolish enough to assume that I can beat even those out... especially at 40+

I started this whole journey with this simple premise: I want to be able to help climbers on the mountain during climbing season (even beyond my prime climbing years) ... and then provide low-cost/free healthcare to the immigrant generation preceeding me (i.e., my parents/grandparents who won't see a doctor because they don't speak english, are afraid of non-hispanic doctors, and/or can't afford it).

It's not a matter of whether I can do it or not. It's a matter of what I'm willing to give up in order to do it. I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with Matt, I am not willing to move outside of the Chicagoland area unless we move together, I will not put the entire financial burden of the next 7 years on him, and I'm no longer convinced that becoming an MD is the only way I can achieve my goals.

So I think I'm going to regroup. I'm going to go back to the work I am good at, return to the people I love, finish renovating our house, get the dog we've wanted for 2 years, plan a wedding, and revisit the plan that didn't start out the way I thought it would. According to my advisors, I have 2 years to get back on it before my window is gone and get more research done.

So quitting still isn't an option, but changing how I get there and what my contribution to the medical community is.