Am I depressed?

A little odd. But possible?

I mean, I feel cheerful, even happy. Everything is good in my life (heck, I'd even say great). I have a wonderful fiancee, a lovely home, friends, nice food, and the means to live comfortably. I love school/research, I'm working on a non-profit startup, and wedding plans are slowly coming together. Things are really good in my life

But I'm stressed. I don't sleep well (if much at all). I am spacier than normal (oh yeah, its possible). I don't feel motivated (to eat right, exercise ... basically things I enjoy). We don't have time to climb, ski, or even canoe this year (which TOTALLY blows). I lie in bed a lot and feel tired all the time. I just don't feel good and home renovationss have been slow-slow-slow

I'm sure a good chunk of this is the god-awful eating habits I've acquired when I got back - I'll eat paleo for a few days, then eat very little, then go pig out on wretched things. I'm not quite sure why, either. Its not like I don't know better.

Is this depression? Matt thinks because we don't have any climbs planned for 2011 and because of school I'm a little down. He says I am more disciplined and focused when I have a goal in mind. He says I need a purpose, and not necessarily to just keep busy. He may be right, but I'm afraid it might be more?

Blizzard warning ... oh yeah! Time to grab the sled and my pack...

march first

Ok. I need to call it out. I've had enough with making little notes, saving bookmarks, blog entry complaints about sore days, writing
little outlines, drafting templates, and making excuses. This is not me and this is not how I operate.

March 1st is when I will start training in earnest. We agreed to climb Denali again in 2012. That gives me about 15 months to get ready for the
season...

... and (as of today), I have approximately 4 weeks to get it together, do the research, recruit some help, really plan this thing out, and get organized. Last year was ok, but that’s it. It was ok. Matt and I are going to climb unguided (completely on our own), carrying everything (no sharing of the loads, which will probably increase weight to 140-145; roughly 15-20lbs more), and. Maybe if I let these facts sink in a bit, I’ll start to get that sense of urgency and intensity that I am sorely missing.

Given how much I struggled last year with school and moving, this will be no treat. I still have to plan for our wedding in October, get the house
renovations done, get the 501c3 filing done for the foundation, and finish the stuff I’m doing for this semester. Methinks some things will have to
give.

I have a number of big decisions to make. This is going to be a rough 4 weeks.

* sleep: 4 (this is problematic and a legitimate concern)
* stress: 8 (still too much going on)
* health: 75% (keep waking up congested)
* diet: 4 (better, but not great … rice made an appearance)
* physical energy: 6 (see all of the above)
* mental energy: 6 (ditto)

oh, cindy… you sadistic witch!

well, they weren’t the exact words i used... let’s just say tat towards the end of the carry, i had to work up a real “grrr!” to keep moving. but i’m glad i can serve to entertain ... but i was so done and there was no way i could keep going without tapping into my inner rage.

generally speaking, i’m a cheerful space cadet, so trust me when i tell you that working up a good mad takes mental creativity...

cindy @ (yeah, i forgot my time ... my air squats were inconsistent, my pullups were broken by round 10, and my pushups were on my knees ... oh yeah, it was ugly and i have a lot of work to do. don’t judge...)

so ... 15 rounds of

- 5 pullups
- 10 pushups
- 15 air squats
then 50 rounds of 14# med ball carries

ali g is great. we worked hard and she kept me honest. i was soooo done around the last rounds of the carries so her double counting was good.

so as i work on my denali 2012 training plan, i struggle with what kinds of goals i need to plot out. traditionally, i just carried a lot of weight, dragged sleds, ran a lot, climbed a lot, and did a lot of yoga. this is my 2nd year doing crossfit ... so ... in spite of the fact that it’s been great, i need to really make it work for me and invest in my performance more now that we’ve decided to climb unguided (which means more work, more weight, and more risks)

... as we stuff our mouths with today’s brunch cheat feast ... oh yeah, march 1st and it’s on ...

* diet: 2 (oh yeah, it's THAT bad)
* stress: 8 (way too much going on)
* health: 85% (i had a bit of a cold this week, ugh)
* physical energy: 8 (slowly but surely)
* mental energy: 6 (seriously, after all the reading i've been doing lately, this is a great improvement)

Cheat Day Breakfast WOD

Downed asiago bagel with sausage, egg,and cheese with chips, coffee, and chocolate cupcake @ 5:58 ... probably would have gotten a better time had I not miscounted and eaten 3 cupcakes instead of 1... man, some things never change no matter how much time ya take off...

Oh yeah, it's Wednesday Cheat Day ... I'm getting an early start!

Color scheme

Just Engaged? Here's What Not To Do - MSN Relationships http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=26852810

Shame on you, whole foods! You're not helping me here!!

Oh deadly evil dessert section, you tempt me so!

Why I hate "The Holidays"

I admit it, I hate the holidays.

I feel like a crossfit rainman

2k row@ 8:44 ... really?! Power 8s kept my overall pace around 2:10 but the reader seemed to be stuck at 2:30 ... yeah... I need to work on that.

.. need to work on that. Yeah... definitely. Definitely need to work on that...

making pillow boxes and paper cutouts isn't really what i had in mind when i said i missed engineering ...

The "donation in leiu of" concept is becoming more and more appealing as wedding plans unfold, unravel, and shred ...

Chili & Tumeric pork chops with peppers and a yummy greens mix. I feel lucky to be able and know how to eat so well. Easy to make, easy to eat!

Time to get wedding shoes ... I LOVE endless.com