I'm going to lay it out right now. I'm so frustrated I can hardly type ...
I get it. I lament the limitations of my age, recovery from illness, financial responsibilities, managing the household, and school ... it's a crap attitude to have, but there it is. Not because I'm a masochist or looking for attention, but because I keep getting reminded everywhere I turn and every time I think I've made a little progress.
It's really hard to keep a stiff upper lip when I struggle to climb easy routes, carrying fractions of my usual hauls, or go faint during a workout that normally charges me up. My body just won't fucking recover fast enough and it's playing with my head and confidence level. Talking with Eileen last week made me feel better knowing I'm not alone and I think of how hard Alma has it too, but it doesn't erase the fact that we struggle with things we have no control over.
It's frustrating and overwhelming. I get all sorts of feedback ... some of it is surprising and helpful, some of it contradicts what others say, some of it is embarrassing or just downright insulting. It's hard to be called ridiculous when you're making a genuine attempt to learn, put the work in, and not ask for special treatment. I'm doing my best to be coachable, but I also think it works both ways. If it weren't for the faith a few patient, understanding folks had in me, I might have given up by now.
You know, I was really looking forward to going to the gymnastics cert ... I was also looking forward to competing at Sectionals too ... but in 103 days, I have a major expedition, a semester of classes to ace, a condo to sell, and a home to take care of. It's hard to be asked why I'm not doing this or going to that, but I can't say I'm committed to Matt and not take care of him after he spent night after night doing the same for me ... I can't say I'm being fiscally responsible when I'm spending money on things I don't immediately need for the expedition ... I can't say I've prioritized school if I miss out on 12 solid hours of studying I really need to do ... it's hard to be open, social, and positive but keep your mouth shut at the same time ... especially when you've got your eyes on a target further than most people are willing to see.
I'm not going to lie. When you get kicked in the pants so many times over so many years, people telling you that you're "not in the top percent", or having to go at things alone ... it gets harder. I want to yell at Matt for eating ice cream in front of me while I weigh, measure, and pick at meals I don't even want to eat. I want to scream every time I need 8 hours of sleep knowing that I won't get it tonight. I want to cry when I can't pick up the damned bar or finish off that deadhang. I want to punch that stupid fucking Resident for "...have you thought about having children? You should really think about that soon given your age.". Sometimes I feel like taking back that ice cream box, sitting on the sofa, and giving up.
I get it. I overthink it. I worry too much. I take on too much. I need to get over it. My mental game is a big issue. I am my own worst enemy. I'm a pain in the ass. I know!
But dammit, I'm really trying. There are only so many hours in the day and I'm struggle just to put on a nice face and keep up.
Alright. Venting is done. I'll adjust my attitude now.
Strength: Deadlift 3-3-3+ @ 130-150-165 (63%-72%-81%) weak and inconsistent form
Gymnastics:
- Ring dips @ 5-5-5
- Worked on the swing to get me into that muscle-up
- 3 isometric 90-degree pullup holds for :30 each
Metcon 5 rounds @ 3:38
- 7 Hang Squat Cleans @ 45 (60% of max clean would've been 81)
- 7 burpees
... yeah, I realize I needed to go heavier. They felt like heavy airsquats and I went completely unbroken ... even with burpees (which are at the top of my suck list). 35# probably would have added another 3-4 minutes - which might have been more realistic and gainful. It was tough, but I still feel like I cheated myself today. I know I'm ultimately responsible for the mistakes I make and I am learning to filter what coaching is legit and what is out-of-context. Time to move on to tomorrow.
